My Ebenezer

Yesterday we were at Burger King and the kids were playing. Nathan usually makes friends with all the kids and especially likes playing with the bigger boys.

He came running up to me and told me that the two boys were being mean. I said, “I’m sure they are just playing, what are they doing that is mean?” He said they were calling him names. In order to grasp the full picture here, I have to tell you that the two other boys were hispanic. So Nay told me they were calling him “sugar.” And I laughed uncontrollably. I could be totally wrong, but I am assuming they were calling him sugar because he is so white and they were very brown. these boys were old enough to not be calling him that just being silly.

It was funny. I told Nathan that they must think he is really sweet because sugar is very sweet. So he ran off to play and not long after I noticed the boys’ dad giving them a stern talking to. And then Nay was playing by them again and I heard him say in a loud and accusing voice, “ICE CREAM!” I almost peed my pants. I guess since they called him sugar, he called them ice cream and thought he was really sticking it to them.

It was very funny.

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Could it be that the new medication actually makes Nathan sweeter than normal? Sometimes i wonder if his poor little brain just makes him so messed when not medicated, that he really can’t focus enough to do the things he wants to do….. like be nice to his sister. He’s not always mean to her, they get a long fairly well, but today he has been exceptionally sweet. Nurturing. Kind. Sharing his batman costume and helping her put it on - WHICH IS SACRED to him.

She must not be feeling well because she has gone to lay in her bed three times this morning; perhaps she just wanted her pappy for a while and knows she has to be there to have it. Anyway, the last time Nay went with her and covered her up. He turned her light off and brought a small basket of toys in there for “when she wakes up.” Then he went a got a bible book and read her a story. Finally, he pulled her little princess chair up next to the bed and sat down, saying, “I’m just going to sit right here with Emma so I can be here when she wakes up. I won’t even talk while she’s going to sleep.”

WHAT? He has such a precious little heart and always has. Maybe it is just easier for him to act on it when his brain isn’t all scrambled up? Or maybe it’s just a good day? Who knows. But I’ll take it. They are right now playing beautifully in the play room and have not been asked to stay in there… but they are. He is talking to her and lining out things for her to do… “first this and then you that… then this and then that…” And she’s smiling and eating up the attention she craves from her “big broder”.

In the meantime, I have gotten tons of laundry done.

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So at Nay’s idiot doctor’s office, there is a sign on the wall that reads “violence will not be tolerated.” I just may have to test that the next time we see him.

The good news is I do feel like we are moving in the right direction… but ask me again in a few days.

When i talked to the case worker yesterday, she said that the Judge should set the trial date for 6 months - I don’t know if that means he’ll set it 6 months from now or for when Isaac’s been in care for six months. We’ll see.

I’m praying he’ll set it for the point at which Isaac has been in care for 4 months.

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It’s funny how much easier things are this second time around. With Nathan and Emma, I was nervous for every court hearing. I’m excited for this one. In fact, I can hardly wait.

Wednesday is the next hearing and we are expecting the Judge to set a trial date for termination of parental rights. We are praying the trial date will be set within 2 months. It would be absolutely fantastic if the Judge would wave the six month waiting period and allow us to finalize the adoption immediately. Not holding my breath on that one, though.

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We all have a story. Some of us keep it locked away while others are dying to tell the world. I think I fall somewhere in the middle - I’d like to tell my story with no reservations, to really share with the world what I’ve survived, what I’ve achieved, what I’ve lost and what I’ve forgotten. The problem is that I just don’t know if I can really be that honest with the whole world. (cause you and I both know that the whole world would read my book, right?) It’s not the rest of the world that worries me as much as it is the people who are closest to me.

Stange, isn’t it? The people you would expect to already know your story are the ones you’d like to keep it hidden from. Maybe not you, but me. I guess that isn’t exactly true. It’s not so much the people who are close to me emotionally but the ones who are close in proxemity but not on an emotional level. Hmmm… did that even make sense?

Nevermind.

One day I will write a book but you will never know it because I will use a different name. Hopefully, I’ll find a good editor who will correct all my typos and spelling errors.

For now, I’ll have to settle for the edited version of my story as it unfolds live… right here in the middle of blogland.

PS… I should add that I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of any part of it. There are definitely parts that I probably should be ashamed of… ha ha ha… but then again, without them the story would be a bit boring, right? Anyway, it’s just that people have this way of using information against you; sometimes without even realizing it. Anyone know what I mean?

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Dear Isaac,

Today, you are officially two months old and the cutest, most adorable baby boy I’ve ever met. I thank God every day for bringing you home to us and want you to know that you have been mine from the very beginning. When we first learned of you, of the possibility of you, a special place for you was created in my heart.

I prayed for nine months that God would move mountains to bring you into my arms and He was faithful as He always is. Our hearts were connected long before you were born; our paths were destined to cross. God had a plan for you - even from the very beginning as He was knitting you together in your birthmom’s womb. He made a place for you in our home and in our hearts, knowing you would need a mommy and a daddy once you made your grand entrance.

These letters usually contain cute little information about all the fun things a child is doing at this age and stage; all of the recent accomplishments, etc… Those are all fun and I’ll tell you that you are smiling and cooing and sleeping really good… but that’s not what I want you to know right now. It’s not what I want this first letter to be about.

I want you to know that despite the circumstances, you were loved from the very beginning. God held you in the palm of His hand while you were growing inside of a body that wasn’t protecting you. He kept you safe and whole and healthy. And all the while He was preparing my heart for you. We prayed Jeremiah 29:11 for you and trusted that God did have a good plan for your life.

The first six days of your life were the longest days of my life. I was beside myself with worry and anxiety and on my knees in prayer. I must have prayed more in those six days than I normally would have prayed in a whole year. Our families were praying and so were our friends - we prayed and God heard us. He kept you safe in an environment that wasn’t safe and He put just the right workers in the right places so you could come home quickly.

I will never forget the moment our investigative worker placed you in my arms. I thought I’d be elated or emotional. Maybe overwhelmed with joy. But all I felt was right. I felt like the child I’d been loving for nine months had finally found his way home and I could breathe again. That first night I held you on my chest and watched you sleep. I just kept thanking God for His Grace and His mercy. For His faithfulness.

I want you to know that God made a way for you to come home to me. He has been with you from the very beginning and has already displayed His faithfulness in your little life. My prayer for you is that you grow into a man who will stand firm on that faithfulness. A man who will find his sense of self worth in his creator and who will love Christ with all his heart, all his soul, and all his mind.

Mommy loves you. I always have and I always will.

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So I have recently been introduced to facebook and I’m completely addicted. It is a social networking site that lets you reconnect with high school buddies, college buddies and people you’ve almost forgotten. I’ve become completely obsessed with tracking down every person I can think of - just to see what they are up to.

It’s addicting but also a lot of fun. I’ve recently connected with people I haven’t seen or heard from in more than 15 years. So check it out.

It’s fun remember who I was back then. I may not be proud of all my choices, but I don’t think I’d change too much. Let’s just say I had a lot of fun and leave it at that. Afterall, my mother reads this blog. It was a crazy time. A fun time, but a crazy time, too.

If I could go back and relive any part of my life (not that I’d necessarily want to), I think it would be freshman year of college. Carefree, no responsibilities, sewing some oats. But I’m happy right where I am. I love my life right where it is and I wouldn’t trade it for all the freedom in the world.

But it’s fun to reminisce. or however you spell it.

If you could go back and relive on year of your life, what year would you choose?

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I am sitting at the endo’s office with a needled in my arm. In0case you are wondering, this does not please me.

The good news is that I don’t have cancer, even though Dr. Google said it was possible. ha ha ha Now they keep shooting me up and stealing my blood - they are like vampires.

and I’m sure you are wondering why the heck I am posting with a needle in my arm. I am bored!!!! I have to wait 10 min here and 15 min there…..

ICK!!!!!!!!

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Well, the caseworker said that the whole fast tracking thing usually does mean that a trial date will be set. We could possibly have this thing done by the time my sweet Isaac is six months old. It’s almost too good to be true.

God has been so good to us and has just opened doors left and right. It’s almost too much to ask that this whole process go so quickly. God’s just like that, you know. He knows what we need more than we do and He provides for us in ABUNDANCE. Sometimes it just blows me away.

I was feeding Isaac last night and just looking down at this little miracle, thinking about how God’s hand was covering him in his birthmom’s womb. When I think of how often and how earnestly I prayed for this little guy - and how I know you prayed for him, too. It’s just overwhelming. God’s goodness is overwhelming. I’m losing my focus now. Big surprise, huh? As I’m feeding Isaac, I was reminded about how God feeds us - giving us just what we need, just when we need it. Not too much or too little. And I was reminded that God looks down on us with the same love and adoration that I look down on little Isaac, watching him grow. He watches us grow - both physically and spiritually. And He smiles.

He longs for us to look to Him and smile and just delight in Him the way I love when Isaac laughs and “delights” in me.

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I’m not sure what it all means…. the whole fast tracking thing. I’m hoping to find out more today. All I know is that it typically takes 1 year for parental rights to be terminated. With Nathan and Emma, it only took 9 months. However, the request for termination didn’t come until the third or fourth court hearing and this request is being made at the second one. I don’t know how long it will take. I do know that regardless of our constitution, it should not be against the law to steralize a person who has shown three times over that she is a danger to any child she carries.

As an alternative, maybe they could just permanently tatoo these women in big letters on their abdomen, “IF THIS WOMAN IS GIVING BIRTH, CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES IMMEDIATELY!”

Ha. Wait. That’s actually a good idea. Maybe they could do it with a micro chip or something?

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